my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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