I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
