I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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