if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
