I just threw up on my dentist
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
