We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize