Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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