I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize