just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
