you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
