Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The beer is more important than you right now.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
