made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's shark week go big or go home
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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