Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
