What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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