He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
