a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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