We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
