You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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