just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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