I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize