We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
