Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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