There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
