nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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