He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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