I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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