my sisters under your porch take her home
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
