It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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