I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
