I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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