Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
