I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
