Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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