Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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