I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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