Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
