im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
