im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
