My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
