I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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