then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
