ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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