All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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