You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
