I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize