i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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