consequently i now know what mace tastes like
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
