you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
