Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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