They should really pass out barf bags in church
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
