YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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