I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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