Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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