I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
