1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I need to align my fucking chakras
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
