u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Two words: nipple clamps
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