u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
