Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
